The Golden Age

   I really don't know why they call it the 'golden age?' One thing is sure, you can't get pregnant, then in turn some don't have anything at their disposal to get someone pregnant. I know they don't just mean that aspect of 'age'. But what else is there more pleasurable in life you can't do when you are young? And I don't want to hear the phrase, 'there is a thing called Viagra'. Let me just say, whatever I do now, I could do better when I was young. I know change is good, but only if it's for better. They say, you have to 'learn to age with grace, and accept the challenges of reality'. O please!
How can I accept losing my hair? Lately I ware a hat all the time just to keep it there. I'm a polite man, but now I'm hesitant to tip my hat to acquaintances, for the fear the wind is going to blow the other remaining half away. The stupid hair grows non stop in my nose though. 
   How about glasses? I mean, looking for my glasses all the time! I have several of them just to make sure I have one in every corner of the room. The other day I put one on to catch a mosquito, and got startled by the size of that thing. It was big like a wild turkey, and I realized I already had a pear on. O, I tell you is scary! Never get old, but again, then we have to die young, wright?
   Don't get me going with earbuds, or whatever they call them, you know the  things you place in your ears, for your hearing? My wife runs out of the bedroom, with 'what a hell is with you...why is the TV so loud?' -question.
I shouted back 'what are you saying, honey?' She approached and turned the buds on in my ears. I thought I'm going to faint, it was so loud. I yanked them out of course, then she said 'and don't you honey me!' I still don't know why she said that! Is this finally the Golden Age? I wonder!
   Are you falling asleep watching TV? I do it all the time, but lately strange things happen. I wake up that somebody changed the channel, or turned the TV off, put the volume too high, or too low. I tell you it is weird, because when I look, the remote is still in my hand. Spooky!!
   O yes! They say with age you loose some of your senses like, hearing, vision, touch and smell. Surely some can attest to that. Well, not me! I can smell anything from a distance. I mentioned to my beloved that she should clean the house more often, because this stanch is unbearable and follows me everywhere . You know what her answer was? -'Yes, my dear, you are right. You should go and shower!' We argued for days on that. O boy, whatever happened to our marriage?
   By the way, taking a shower is a monumental task. That stupid shower curtain is always in my way. I ripped several of them lately, by accident. She said she is going to kill me if it happens again. No wonder I'm afraid of taking showers. I always tell her that I'm going to leave and live in the forest. She says, 'fine'! Did you notice the sound the belly button makes when you clean it? It is a distinctive bottle cork pop, when I extract my finger. Gosh, is weird! O, and farts, don't get me going with that. Soon I'll be afraid lifting my arms, let alone anything else for the fear of a fart popping out. Most often happens when I stand up. Really embarrassing!
   I did sports in my youth, I was tall and handsome, and look at me now! I've shrunk and bent. Standing up I can only kiss my wife's nipples at farewell. She labels me a pervert all the time. Shame, shame, o dear, what have we come to? 
   I find that everything is farther then usual. Like our house and rooms got bigger? What used to be one step away, now is several steps, even with the walker. When I finally get there, the damn thing I go for falls over. Now bend down, you idiot! I tell you it's not funny! She calls me a bull in the china-shop. Believe me, I used to love her!
   My memory declined a bit. I have to use the phone book to find our last name. Then I remember that I forgot our address and phone number. Then the phone-book disappeared, I couldn't find it anywhere for days. So what's going on? I swear, the love of my life was going to slap me, when I asked her to wear a name-tag all the time. I'm just being honest! She became so sensitive lately!
   If this is Golden Age they are bragging about, I say they are just plain stupid. That's okay, I choose instead to be clever, and don't give in to peer pressure. From now on I will call it, 'The Wretched Age'. And that is final!