The Lucky Hat

   All right, since you’re here, and really want to know how I happened to buy a lucky hat, let’s talk about it.    
   I have to confess though, that I'm no longer as young as I was - say, fifty years ago, and since I forgot that I'm forgetful, I remember everything perfectly.
   Here's for example... Well, I have to tell you this story! It happened a couple of weeks  ago, that a horsefly wondered into our house, and landed here and there, but as fast as I am, by the time I got there, it took off again. Then I gave up the chase and I just followed the intruder with my eyes. At one point, I saw it wander into the bathroom -because a fly always goes where stinks. I said to myself - gotcha! I 'quickly' followed it there. Now you’re done, my friend – I muttered - and I closed the door behind me. I looked and sure enough there it zipped around, up and down. Finally it landed onto the loo. And that's when I realized I didn't bring the fly swat with me.   
   - Honey, come quick, and bring the fly swatter with you -I shout to my wife who was cooking in the kitchen.   
   - You genius -hunting for a fly and you don't have the fly-swatter? - Good stuff… what can I say?
   Joann finally entered the bathroom, the fly –of course - took off again, and then it was quiet for a while. Where the hell did it go? I only heard from my behind that - don't move - I froze like a bowl of jelly...then I heard a big slap. I thought I was going to collapse.    Joann slapped my bald head so hard that my ears have been ringing ever since.
   I didn't want to start my story about the lucky hat, until I told you the reason of buying a hat. I told Fred - my friend - that we were hunting a fly with Joann, and that is why I have a big red spot on my head, in the form of a fly swat. He would never believe me.
   Now,... The red spot should be camouflaged somehow... It's just common sense. My dear wife offered she has some good ointments, so let's smear some on it. That's exactly what happened, but the next day, the top of my head turned flaming red like a beetroot. Turns out I'm allergic to the stupid cream.
   Please understand, - I'm proud of my beautiful looks. Not even a week ago, at the doctor's, that pretty nurse called me a handsome young man-and she praised me for the skillful handling of the walking stick.  That's when I decided to put a hat on my beetroot red head.
   Next morning, I went into a used-goods store. Well, there were so many hats – row after row – for winter, summer. I didn't even know which one to choose. For some unknown reason I always ended up in the same isle. I was about to leave the store when I noticed from the corner of my eye, that one of the hats moved slightly. It was a good looking hat! I looked closer, - you won't believe, - the hat winked at me. Ah, I must be imagining things. I wiped my eyes, I looked, and the hat winks again. I hid behind a corner and peeked out. Well, the hat just winks, and a voice in my head says, 'buy me'
    What was I to do, I decided to buy the hat! I went to the checkout, but the salesman wouldn't take the money from me, saying:       - Take it for free sir, that hat is going to come back to our shop. It has been paid for several times before, so we decided that everyone could take it for free, for some time now.
    I didn't want to look stupid, because I didn't get the whole thing, so I didn't ask questions. I put the hat on my head and walked out the shop.
    So... This is how the story of the lucky hat began. But it's not over. On my way home, I went to the shopping mall to get our daily bread, and while I was there, and I was a little out of breath, I thought I'd sit down and relax for a while. I was looking for a separate chair in the hallway next to the wall, because I don't like when people sitting next to me, push my elbows off the armrest. Needless to say, I fell asleep in a short time. I don’t know for how long, but when I opened my eyes, well... I saw a hat full of money in front of me. What must've happened is - when my chin met my chest the hat fell on my lap. There were twenties, tens and fives... and a lot of change in there. I quickly looked around, lest anyone be familiar nearby, so I took the hat, slapped it on my head, and walked away as quickly as I could.
    I didn't dare take it off all the way home, though it was pretty hot. At home, Joann tried to get it off my head, but I wouldn't let her. I told her to stand behind my back, and hold my waist so, I wouldn't fall on my head, when I bend down to remove it. Joann picked up the hat and quickly disappeared to count the money.
   Now...in hindsight, I should've hid, or better spend that money on my way home. Interesting how one gets wiser with age. Since then Joann repeatedly forced me to go to that mall for my daily nap. I always came home with a hat full of money, and we went through the routine-waist grip, the bowing, the money counting, etcetera.
   Then it happened that when the beetroot red stain healed on my head, the hat was always empty. I got in trouble with Joann! She accused me of embezzling and shortening the family. What harpy? I told her that the hat only works when I have a red spot on my head! From then on she spied on me to see, when she could slap my bare head with the fly swatter. I ended up wearing the hat in the house constantly! I understand that the gal needs the money, but if my head has to suffer for it, I won't do it.
   It was time for me to put an end to this shenanigan, and get rid of the... now not so lucky hat.  As a gift, I gave it to Fred, but he never had a penny thrown into it. He gave the hat back to me for not getting his money’s worth. To get rid of it, I even pretended to forget it on the bench where I was sitting, but then someone always ran after me with it. And then, when I threw it down the street, a wind from nowhere always blew it back to my feet. What was I supposed to do, I have to take the damn hat back to that shop, because it wouldn’t leave me alone!
   Now I understand what the sales man was talking about, someone takes it, and when it's job is done, the hat is always brought back to the shop.  The seller followed me with his eyes without a word when I walked in, and nodded eloquently when I hung the hat back to its usual place.
   I thought I'd take a little more time to see what was going to happen. Soon the doorbell rang and a bald man entered, with a large egg-shaped bulge on top of his head. The shopper complained, that he was a golfer, and that he needed a hat soon. My eyes met the shopkeeper’s, and we both smiled knowing the well rehearsed story. He is going to fall into the hat-trick too. The man disappeared in the hat isle, and then appeared with the same hat I just hung a moment ago. The buyer told the keeper that, - this was the only hat that spoke to him, and left with satisfaction.
   So this is my story with the lucky hat. And now a word of advice: - folks, never let your wives slap your heads with a fly swat. And when you want to buy a hat, consider this. Always choose the ugliest one, and especially don't take the one that talks to you...let alone wink.    Well, I'll see you again. It was nice talking to you guys.