Aaaa… Spring! It is the most wonderful season of them all. The rebirth of nature brings joy to everyone, days are getting longer, and all wildlife mating ritual is on high gear. The appearance of geese, robins, chickadees, and finches is a sure sign of spring, and regrettably roadkill is too. The loud chirp of the cardinal is refreshing to hear, marking his territory, and the sounds of people doing things are everywhere. You don’t care anymore if the blue jay’s awful screech wakes you up in the morning, rather makes you want to get out, dig the barbeque from under the snow, and call your beloved through the open back door –‘Honey! … Come-on out and get me a beer, please!’
It is a joyful season, as I already mentioned … unless you wake up one morning, and see ten centimeters of new snow that wasn’t there last night. I don’ want you to feel depressed, just pointing out the possible multiple weather outcomes of an early Canadian ‘spring’. We are tough, and we can take anything nature throws at us.
Jack is a tough Canadian, and as soon he sees buds swelling, and squirrels chasing each other around the tree trunks, goes out and opens his shed door to inspect the state of his garden tools. Not that he can do anything with them yet, because there is still some snow on the ground, it is his perfectionist approach to get things organized, and to spend as much time outside as he can. He observes the neat row of tools still intact, the lawn mower and hedge trimmer, just as he left them last fall. And then he remembered the bunny, which devastated his garden last year, and pledged to do something about it this summer. He is going to build a chain-link fence… o yes… around the vegetable garden. He is fed-up with throwing the garage broom, and recycle box to scare it away. It did more damage than good, and the bunny was back the next minute.
He is a kind of guy who doesn’t just sit around and waits the snow to melt, rather he spreads it on the lawn, to get the benefit of meltwater. Jack reached for the shovel with intent to clear the deck from snow, he turned and saw a squirrel on the doorstep sniffing inside the shed. It is just normal… when you have a treed property, you are exposed to arboreal rodents as well. It was last year’s well-known friend he had some quarrel with, when the tomatoes were bitten into, and left to rot. He recognized it by the little bugger’s half missing tail. Jack knew the fence won’t deter this behavior, so he got himself a slingshot. He never used it with intent to kill… no siree… -he liked animals- just wanted to scare them a little, until he heard glass shattering in the neighborhood. Then he resulted to a more humane form of deterrent… like water-jet! Whenever he had time he set in a lawn chair, with garden hose in one hand, and a beer in the other, ready to protect the poor, defenseless tomatoes with a well-directed jet of cold water. Soon he realized this cannot go on… high water bill… sunburn and all, so he had to come up with an alternative method of protection. Innovative ideas got him out of lots of trouble, this time wasn’t any different. Jack used a… technic called ‘diversion maneuver’ for a while, which is comprised of secretly dispersing peanuts on all surrounding neighbor’s lawns, under cover of darkness to keep the suckers away. Well… really wise people say ‘the more you learn you realize how little you know, and you’ll still die stupid anyway’! He changed strategy when he learned he attracted more squirrels then before, even those that weren’t supposed to be in his neighborhood. John, Jack’s next door neighbor mentioned one day:
-Jack, did you notice how much squirrels love my yard? They come by hundreds! I have no clue what they want … but I don’t see that many in your backyard! – said John.
-Well… just because you have birdfeeder hung on your tree… right… maybe that’s what?! – said Jack with conviction.
-Right! I do!
This year Jack has to try something else to combat the rodent problem. He wasn’t sure what that ‘else’ is going to be, until one of the deck spindles fell out of its socket as he was clearing the snow. He picked it up and wanted to replace it, when he noticed the metal tube resembled a ‘weapon’ he used in his childhood. The narrow, aluminum tube is the appropriate size and smoothness for a blow-gun! Jack wanted to put it to good use right away, so he called his beloved to the door, and asked for a raw potato and a knife.
-What are you doing … again Jack? What do you need the knife and potato for? And what did you do to the deck… o my god… you broke it? – Kim saw the deck-spindle in his hand, but she couldn’t get the connection between the tube and raw potato.
-I got an idea! I’m going to use a blow-gun to scare them!– He said with his ‘Eureka’ face.
-A… what? Scare… what…? – Now she was completely confused.
-A blow-gun to scare the squirrels away!
-O Jack! Haven’t you learned your lesson last year? You can’t outsmart squirrels! It’s just too many of them! Have you seen John’s bird-feeder? They empty it in a day, and he can’t keep-up filling it.
Kim is the damper on Jack’s often heightened enthusiasm, and she tries to curve his energy on things that matter most. She is organized, meticulous, and a strong supporter of Jack’s ideas when need be. The cause of squirrel bashing wasn’t her favorite! Kim noticed Jack’s determination, so she fetched the knife and the requested vegetable, and stopped to observe the process how a spindle and potato becomes a blow-gun. Kim loved, trusted and admired his innovative side, and he had plenty of tools to realize them, with skill. Jack cut the potato in several even slices as thick as a finger. Then he pushed one end of the tube through a slice, thus cutting a perfect potato plug, and there it was, a loaded blow-gun ready to use. All one has to do is blow into the loaded end of the tube. He took a deep breath, and blew pointing it to the nearest tree. The potato projectile flew off with speed hitting the tree trunk. Then he reloaded the gun and gave it to Kim to try. She followed his instructions and blew, but all she could get was a farting sound, and a red face from effort.
-That’s stupid! It’s not working! You are wasting your time Jack! – She handed him the pipe, and went inside to continue what she was doing before.
-Yeh…? Just because you can’t blow hard enough? – he called after her.
Next day Jack bought a bag of potatoes to prepare for battle. Soon he realized it isn’t a good idea to cut the slices ahead of time, because they dry out fast, and all he could do is to throw them in the compost pile. Jack set up a schedule to do daily target practice to hone his blow-gun skills. One day he was doing just that, when his next door neighbor, John peeked over the hedge to check out the commotion in Jack’s yard.
-Hey Jack! What are you doing? What is that? Can I come over?
-Sure! Check this out! You know what this is? – said Jack, and held the weapon in front of him with pride.
-Wow… it is beautiful! What is it?
-You may think is a deck-spindle… but no siree… it is a blow-gun! -said Jack and handed it to him.
-A… blow-gun! I never would’ve guessed! So this is how it looks like? Can I try? – asked John, inspecting the notorious weapon.
-Well… it is a little… rough looking at the moment, and I really don’t know which end I already had in my mouth, so… I don’t know! – said Jack retrieving the pipe.
-Your deck has more… Jack… may I have one…? – asked John heading for the deck.
-Don’t you have anything else to do John… like collecting the doggy-poo from your backyard? – asked Jack hoping to divert John’s attention.
-Na… that can wait! It waited all winter long, so it can wait another day! – And John removed another spindle from the deck, happy to abandon the unpleasant job he had to do every spring. His dog’s name is Shadow, and had a unique way to poop. Shadow could walk in circles while pooping, thus spreading it far and wide, and never in one pile.
John excited to try the ‘weapon’, rammed the pipe through the potato, and blew into it. Soon they were shooting at anything, stationary or moving alike; birds, squirrels, chipmunks, trees, and each-other. It was a warm Saturday morning, and most people were outside doing spring chores. The loud laughter of the two, running and hiding to avoid projectiles, became an attraction to neighboring onlookers. George, Jack’s back yard neighbor peeking through the bushes got hit in the middle of the forehead by a potato bullet.
-Ouch… that hurts! What the hell are you guys doing? – He asked rubbing the bump. George is the guy who enjoys sitting outside in his hot-tub even on the coldest day of winter.
-We are squirrel hunting… can’t you see? – said John reloading his gun.
-I can’t see any squirrels! Jack, can I come over and shoot some squirrels too? – He asked, and jumped over the, not so tall fence to get into the action.
Peter, John’s backyard neighbor who was clearing his flowerbeds from winter-kill, couldn’t resist the temptation, so he jumped fence too. Peter is Scottish who loved gardening, and he was wearing his kilt at the time, so everyone was watching with interest how he is going to negotiate the fence. They all got their spindles from Jack’s deck and started a war of potato plugs. David, Jack’s other next door neighbor came over too, he left cleaning the barbeque, and joined the fight. David had a beautiful swimming-pool everyone admired. They didn’t care about spring cleaning any more, they were kids with blow-guns, and invincible adversaries, as heroes in a video game. Soon Jack’s backyard was covered with small potato pucks, the guys were exhausted from running and hiding, and of course, full of bumps and bruises. Kim, Jack’s wife was watching the action from inside shaking her head in disbelieve, cheering for Jack of course, and seeing the deck disintegrate in front of her eyes on an alarming rate. She loves that deck, they set on it every early morning, weather permitting, having their first espresso coffee of the day, enjoying the nature, and warm caress of the rising sun.
-Wow guys! That was absolutely fantastic! – Said John when all were sitting in a circle on lawn chairs, exhausted.
-I’m so hungry I could eat a squirrel… he, he, he! – Said Peter.
-And thirsty! – Said George licking his lips.
-Aaaaa… a beer! Just wait… I’ll get some! – Said Jack, and stood up to go inside.
-No, no, no! It’s just fair we get the beer, my friend! I have some chilled! – Said Peter.
-Okay then! You get the beer, and we collect the potato plugs, wash and fry them, and we’ll have lunch! How’s that? – Said Jack.
-What a great idea! Why would it go to waste? I got my barbeque going so I can fry them! – Said George.
They all got down on their knees and gathered the ‘ammunition’ in a bowl. Peter was back with chilled pitchers and a case of Scottish beer, and distributed them to his comrades. The sweet smell of fried spud-plugs lingered in the air, and Kim joined the crowd to celebrate the victory over the army of rodents. Surely there were no squirrels to be seen anywhere, not even birds, so the combat was considered successful. There was plenty of fried potatoes going around, and there was no shortage of beer either. The guys had a wonderful time, and agreed to repeat this next Saturday. At night, when everyone left Kim pointed out the trampled roses in the flower bed, the compacted lawn, and the devastated deck to Jack, and voiced her disapproval of this kind of squirrel-hunt. The deck itself wasn’t in best of shape, but she argued that it was good enough for a couple of more years. Though at the end admitted she had a good time too.
News travels fast, and the weekend came even faster. It wasn’t yet seven o’clock on Saturday morning when Jack woke up to the sound of the doorbell. Who could possible be this early? He opened the door to see, and there were at least ten guys, some children, and women standing there with beer coolers, tools, and bags of potatoes ready to enter. The owner of the little corner-store was puzzled why people stood in line to by potatoes. He was out of stock really fast. Jack never thought the guys will remember his promise to replay the squirrel war, let alone spreading the news to lure others in the fight. He reluctantly showed them around the house to go through the gate, and he retreated to perform his morning routine he refused to give up.
-Who was it honey? – Kim asked with a yawn when he returned.
-Just John, Peter, David and… some other guys. They came for the squirrel-hunt.
-What…!? Some… how many guys?
-Don’t ask… lots! I’ll go make the coffee!
-See… Jack?! Now you started a stupid trend! How are you going to get out of this… clever boy?
-Don’t panic dear! I’ll figure out something! – Said Jack and left the bedroom.
Nobody is going to deter Jack from his coffee and breakfast, so he took his time to do whatever he use to do each morning, no matter what is going on in his backyard. He only got curious when he heard hammers banging, and power drills squealing.
-Jack! Come here quick! The deck is gone! They dismantled the deck Jack! – Said Kim standing at the window, and watching.
-You are kidding! – Jack jumped to his feet to have a look.
It only took a few minutes to take the deck apart, and the guys hauled the debris out into one of the trucks parked on the road. They were on the clean-up stage when Jack opened the back door, and stepped out.
-Hello everyone! – Said Jack smiling nervously. Kim followed him close.
-Morning Jack! Hello Kim! – Came the greeting from everyone. –Thanks for having us! You have a beautiful, big backyard!
-Well… not anymore! – Said Kim. – Where is my deck?
-We helped you with the demolition! Aren’t you happy about it? – Came a voice from the crowd.
-Who said I want it demolished? – Said Jack.
-George! George said you are taking the deck apart! You are going to use the spindles for blow-guns! That’s what we are here for! – Came the voice again.
-I didn’t say anything about demolition to George! I let him use one spindle for the squirrel bashing! That’s all! – Said Jack looking at the bare spot where the deck used to be.
-Oh-oh! That is bad… boys! Well then, let’s get out of here! -Jack… the spindles are over there, we saved them for the fight! – Said another voice, and the guys proceeded to leave with hanging noses.
-Wait a minute! You think I’m gonna let you go without a blow-gun fight? – Said Jack, and he started to set rules and chores to everyone present.
The wives, and girlfriends were cutting potatoes, loaded guns, and served beer for the fighters. There were plenty of deck-spindles for everyone, and they set up squirrel-shaped targets at the far end of the yard, where the women could try their skills at spud-shooting as well. After a short session of target practice they were ready for a tournament. Kids had their fun too, setting the order to go on the ‘zip-line’. They were the retrievers of the potato ammunition, equipped with harnesses hanging from Jack’s clothe-dryer line. All one had to do is to reel them back and forth from the targets. There was a continuous fried spud-plug and beer supply all day long, so nobody went hungry or thirsty. At night the tired bunch cleaned up the yard, left for their home, and the neighborhood went quiet.
-This is terrible Jack! Look at the yard! I know we had lots of fun, but this has to end…Jack…I hope you agree!
-I do! And I have just the right plan for that. The lawn wasn’t good when we bought the house… remember? It is a constant struggle to keep it in half decent shape.
-Well… you better come up with something, because I’m not gonna do this anymore. – Said Kim swaying her index finger in front of Jack’s nose.
-Uuuu… you are so dangerous! And sexy! I like that!
Saturday came, and it happened again. Jack didn’t share his plan with Kim how to handle the now routine weekend activity, because he couldn’t come up with one so far. He decided he is gonna treat the matter… on the go, according to his instinct. During the week he saw signs show up on some front-lawns in the neighborhood saying; ‘Blow-gun competition at Jack’s place this Saturday’. That concerned him greatly, and he became more anxious as the weekend drew closer. On Saturday he got up early, had his espresso outside in the swing-set, and prepared for the inevitable encounter. People started arriving in trickles.
-Good morning! I want everyone to stop for a moment, and look around to observe the shape my backyard is in! If you like it, we will hold the blow-gun competition! But if not… please, tell me how I could maintain it to look like anybody else’s in this gathering! Our deck is gone, the flowers are gone, our lawn is ruined, and I really don’t know when I’m gonna have the money to ever fix them! -People… this has to stop! My beloved already threatened me with divorce!
-Oh no! Nobody wants that, Jack! You both are absolutely fantastic for letting us in, and show unparalleled hospitality. You showed us the best example in community bonding! We are so sorry about this. We will never forget the fun we had, and thank you very much! – Many said. They picked up the potato bags, the blow-guns, and slowly left the yard.
Kim watched the happenings from inside. When there was nobody to be seen, she stepped out and joined Jack who was still standing in the middle of the yard. She petted him on the back, and Jack embraced her with love. They both grew attached to this weird weekend activity, and admitted they felt a sort of… emptiness deep inside. The following week passed in stillness and perfect harmony. The squirrels learned their lesson, and completely avoided foraging near Jack and Kim’s property.
It was Saturday again, and Jack had plans, temporary remedies for the yard, and flower beds. He got the rake and shovel from the shed, and started to spread around the flowers the mulch he bought during the week, when he heard the gate open. It was George, and he walked up to Jack without hesitation.
-Good morning Jack. I’m really sorry what happened to your deck. I never said anyone that it has to be demolished! It was a simple misunderstanding!
-Simple…? Look at it now, George! It was a… okay deck! – Said Jack not hiding his disappointment.
-Well I’m here to make everything right! – George walked back to the gate, and shouted – Hit it boys and girls!
-No… George! I said we’re not gonna do it anymore! – And he stepped closer to George, -almost shouting in frustration.
Jack let his guard down when he saw people standing outside the gate equipped with shovels, wheelbarrows, rakes, and all kind of yard, and construction tools ready for action. They were startled by Jack’s firm reaction to George, nervously smiling, and waiting in silence what is going to happen next.
-Jack… listen! Calm down, please! We all come to fix your backyard! We broke it, and is just fair that we’re gonna fix it!
-Really? Are you all serious? No potato-guns? – Said Jack looking at the crowd.
-Yes… serious, and no guns! No guns! – Came voices from all over.
-Okay… but I will be the supervisor! – Said Jack and opened the gate wide.
-Whatever you say, Jack! Whatever you say!
There were trucks with gravel, top-soil, plants, and sod standing outside waiting to be emptied. People laid down the base for inter-locking stones, and tamped it firm. Where the deck was there is going to be a stone patio with a pergola for shade, fresh soil and sod where the lawn used to be. New plants were brought in, and planted with black mulch spread around them. People worked tirelessly, and by the end of the day Jacks backyard looked like a paradise. They all listened to Jack, and did everything as they were told. Kim watched the change with teary eyes, and praised the work everyone did. It is wonderful to see how people can come together, and help each other in a close-knit community!
As for the squirrels… they really avoid decks with metal tube-spindles, so jack placed one at each corner of the vegetable garden as a reminder for them to keep out. But never think that the squirrel quarrel ended! War is still being fought on a different battlefield. There is a wooded area close by, so a secret society of potato blow-gun combatants was formed, and they meet most Saturdays to teach rodents, and each other, who is the boss. The sophistication of the weapon evolved too, with proper mouth-piece for added comfort, and a high-tech aiming mechanism. For recognition of the highest achievement in spud-blowing art, the members instituted the ‘Golden Blow-gun’ trophy, complete in a case with royal-blue velvet interior, and a yellow potato. There are proper rules and regulations of the game set in the book called ‘Squirrel Quarrel Guidelines’.
This activity, as damaging as can be, also has added benefits like; there has never been better potato sales at surrounding groceries in decades; the wasted projectiles are biodegradable adding nutrients to the soil; the plugs are consumed by most wildlife in the area; it develops fast reflex skills, and improves the fitness level of the combatants, and many more…
It may sound strange, but ever since this story first appeared in the local newspaper, – called ‘The Local Weekly’ – the number of people buying memberships for spud-shooting increased ten times. Now that’s what I call success! Why don’t you check it out too?
Noteworthy Notes 